Big Freaking Duh

Dear Client,

No, the bank isn't closing. Yes, your money is safe. FDIC works this way (full explanation not given cause I don't want to bore you to death).

PS- If you take your hundreds of thousands out of the bank...yes we probably will fail...and it will be all your fault. Cause and effect people.

I wish I had that much money to worry about!

Good grief.